The young corporate male is a Batman of sorts, always holstering a different array of modern gadgets to thwart any disadvantageous situation that may arise. Some men need to read email every waking hour of the day…while other feel compelled to equip themselves with 5 years worth a music at any given moment Whether the foe we face be productivity or just mind numbing boredom…we have the tools to engage our enemy and prevail victoriously. Just like the gun that was invented to protect the borders and kill dinner…the weapons we use to defend can also be used for sports….and most enjoyably for excess driven entertainment. In the spirit of this drive to innovate the tools we have grown to adapt in to our lives comes a daily use for BlackBerry messanger we as individuals may have yet to explore to it’s full capacity.
Blackberry Messenger enables you the ability to change your display name and speak as any number of individuals on the face of the earth..living or dead. Naturally, in the hands of the right hung and handsome bad boys…the conversations that can be produced can entertain for hours.
VAL KILMER : Jesus 1980’s…I miss you DOLPH LUNGRED : Tell me about it bro BURT REYNOLDS : You guys here for the mustache party? TOM SELLECK : Ya, who do I pay for a cup EMILIO ESTEVEZ : You guys see Val and Dolph around? We are next up on rockband
DON JOHNSON :E, Lets do this
-OR-
NAME OF FRIENDS EX GIRLFRIEND : Can I pay for that with the number of dicks that I’ve sucked?
-OR-
NAME OF FRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND: Listen, I just can’t do this anymore. Please don’t call or write, i’m deleting you from my phonebook. I would have called…but you are just such a whiny bitch. Goodbye.
Easily seen…this can provide hours and hours of entertainment. Feel free to sabotage friends relationships, make someone think they are having a secret flirty dialogue with a friend they secretly obsessed about…or just recreate a conversation between any number of people you know. Enjoy!
Friday is always a personal clusterfuck between the dirty clothes im wearing to work, the coffee I am spilling on my keyboard and the purple eyeballs I am trying to hide from my boss. It is bad enough that I sit right in front of the television and I have people complaining about the picturebeing blurred because of the vapors blasting off my head…the room has no ventilation and the rest of the guys I work with are fart machines. Anyone walking in to our office on a friday is met with one person that looks like a zombie and three others sitting in clouds of green smoke.
Naturally it takes all I have as a man to make it through a friday with my job in tact…so in order not to give you something that is less than what you deserve…I am going to do what any good manager does when he doesnt feel like doing shit….delegating. Mind crippled by vodka leftovers, retain only the ability to surf the internet with the intense looks that mimic actual business based issues with my computer. After scouring the internet for 4 hours this morning, I give you this gem. Take a minute to really read as many of the comments as you can…they only get better and better as they pile on. This chick is your typical slam pig, horrible friend to have of any girl you are trying to lay the mack down on… and outright pathetic in general. About as welcome as a bowling ball covered in razor blades dropped from the sky in to a life raft, this bitch needs to realize she sucks and kick rocks. Enjoy your weekends.
Stop the presses kiddies….this may be what we have been looking for. Not only is it delicious, it is nutritious…and advertised to start the day out right. Apparently the stuff they gave you last time you needed to get your stomach pumped after a yaeger fest is called active carbon. This doest wonders for soaking up the booze in your stomach…and burning the shit out of toast and then eating it apparently gives the same effect. Add nature’s breakfast eqivalent of natural perky d-cups and you have one hell of a way to start the day. Going to try this bad boy tomorrow morning with a big BEC on a B.
Pre – N/A
Post - N/a
Morning - Carnation Instant Breakfast , Bottle of Smart water, 2 pieces of badly burnt white bread. Blended with w or w/o ice.
Effectiveness – TBD
Blackout proof – 5/10 (If prepared in advance)
Life Shortening – May actually make you live longer, stronger happier life.
This may be one of the first signs that we have lost our position as number one in the world….the european beer commericals are even kicking our asses now.
As I look forward to my weekend on the beach with my metal detector and camelback full of rum and coke..I realize that as a man, I like to discover things. Whether it be the random silver dollar at the beach, the apartment across the street without curtains…or that phone calls made from pre-paid cell phones to Deal or No Deal models are virtually untraceable…discovery is part of my being. During a youtube sharing laptop gangbang yesterday at my residence, I came across a gem that was worthy on many levels.
1. Great invention
2. Greatest catch phrase at the end of the clip I have ever heard, very worth watching the entire thing.
If you are reading this any time before January 10th, chances are your eyes are still bleeding from NYE. While my first priorities this morning were to peel my face off my kitchen floor, put on underwear and hang my award for greatest blackout of the century… soldiering on with with the mission to find a hangover free word remains a close 4th. If you are like me and have achieved personal ” bests” in drunken wandering, bathroom attendant heart to hearts or bank account spontaneous combustion in the last 24 hours..you need few things in your life right now.
1. A large walk in freezer, damp cave, ice bath or bed of giant tits on/in which to sleep throughout the day.
2. 14 blowjobs
3. Any 3 of the 6 sides of the Denny’s menu delivered to your house.
4. A strong bloody mary, thai hot.
If, like me, you are only able to have 3 of these things right now…rest assured repeating any single item listed 4x as much will compensate for the absence of the rest. For this reason, I give you Zing Zang. If Zing Zang had to be described using only obscure movie references…Zing Zang would be the modern engineering equivalent of the Lamar Javelin. Zing Zang does for bloody marys what brown paper bags did for ugly women with hot bodies…get it done HARD. I don’t know where they bottle this shit, but I am convinced it comes straight from a fountain in heaven. It costs 5 dollars a bottle which is criminally cheap considering how insanely good it is. Do yourself a favor today… go get a few bottles, get some droppable vodka and pound it like gatorade.
Few things ring cheer throughout my brain like the following phrases:
“Frip ova”
“I’m a sophmore”
“All negative”
“Happy New Year”
NYE gives us all the opportunity to make consequence-free bold statements like our friends that are flakes, bi-polar, alcoholics or sluts. While it seems self absorbed, predictable and repetitive to hear “Find a boyfriend this year” when it comes from the mouth of “Deb,” your pretty blonde friend that slaps dicks to her cheeks like nicoderm patches or “Cutting down from now on” from Jimbo on Friday afternoon after another untraceably clever “food poisoning” episode has him home from work, New Years is the only time of the year where you can actually make a bold statement and catch ZERO shit about it come the second week of the year when you are “still waiting for the holidays to end” before getting it going at the gym, or “still gathering applications” for grad school for the 11th straight month…you can set a completely unattainable goal for yourself…..but only if it is made at 4 in the morning on January 1.
I say go big this year with the resolutions. Leave a party with 4-5 people questioning whether or not to call the police and how the fuck you got invited. Make a proclamation so bold that people actually ask you to sign a statement affirming your encounter was the first and last they will ever have with you. Maybe this is your year to raw dog Amy Winehouse…or maybe it is just the year you plan to rob a bank…..The world is yours to seize this year, make the most of it. That duly noted, I offer up the following examples from years past.
1. I will take advantage of the recession by spending all my money , and any money I can have lent to me IMMEDIATELY (2009?)
The recession is here, and it will be here for quite a while. While the US dollar was a pillar of value for decades, the fuck first, ask about the HIV later monetary policy we are currently exposed to means one thing…your money is losing its value all the time. Make the most out of your hard earned dollars by spending them when they are really worth something…10 minutes ago. And as soon as you run out of cash…start charging your ass off. Money you will have to pay back some time in the future will be pennies compared to todays dollars… affliction shirts and bottles son!
2. I will sabotage the life of a person that has wronged me (2008)
Sticks and stones will sure break the bones of a guy that back stabbed you at work, or an ex girlfriend that moved to europe to start fucking the entire continent…but a deliberate, thoughtful, and well executed revenge is far more satisfying. Want someone to lose their job, wind up naked on the internet and hated by their friends? Go get that cork board and start laying out a plan Prisonbreak style.
3. I will make a life long Enemy some time this year (2007)
Nothing will keep you on your toes like the fear of impending death, violent retalation or a well deserved gun shot straight to the back. None of these things enter your life unless you really premeditatedly wrong someone and destroy a part of their life that is really going well for them. Hate your neighbors nice new car? Sounds like a few amber alert flyers in “confidental” envelopes under a few doors might do the trick.
4. I’m going to bone that chick that looks like Rachel Bilson in the bathroom when the ball drops, don’t shit in there (2005,2006)
Be sure to share your resolutions with thehangoverblog. You would hate to make us angry….and not see it coming.
Much like autistic mime porn, too much is never enough when it comes to vitamin B12. Factor in enough Alka Seltz to kill a flying hippo and you’ve got the leading edge of a samurai style hangover assassination. The aspi’s are iffy on this one as they serve about as much purpose as adding “wake up”, but we aren’t here to criticize… just to help find a cure.
Pre – N/A
Post – 2000Mg Vitamin B12 , 4 alka seltzer
Morning – 2 Aspirin , Water
Effectiveness – 5/10
Blackout proof – 1/10
Life Shortening – 2 or 3 days tops.
Best used : When you are not planning on waking up in a strangers/alley nude/early. Family Vacations.
